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2013 NCAA Tournament: Media Eatery At The West Regional

Before one covers a game, one must be nourished. Enter the stories of the Staples Center Heroes.

There's a reason why any and every large event should be held at Staples Center. The media buffet turns you into straight-up royalty, and it's all thanks to the Staples Center Heroes of Lore. Who are they? Let me regale you.

First, one gets to treat themselves to a salad with fresh greens (not your typical, nutrition-free iceberg crap) and choice of dressings. Each head was picked out by Phillip of Compton, the legendary hero who obliged to leave his home in South Central in order to bring glory to his name. How did this come to be? He was to find 1500 heads of lettuce, each with a perfect spherical visage and the interior shaped like a rose. Then, only then were those heads brought back to the oracle of the Staples Center for inspection, and later brought out to the buffet.

The side dishes introduce you to the "SoCal" Mexican style gourmet food, starting with grilled spring vegetables and Mexican rice. Why spring vegetables? Because only the choicest squash is selected and spiced for the tastes of the elite here at the media spread mecca that is Staples. The rice was prepared by Ed of Ipus, who fulfilled a Staples Center prophecy in which he kicked out his father from his chef throne.

The next thing down the row is the entrées: cheese enchiladas or quesadillas as an option for meek little vegetarians, chicken quesadillas or chipotle-style chicken fajitas with extra tortillas for the real men. The free-range chickens were hunted down by O'Ryan, who as a result, earned the title of master huntsman. The quesadillas were hand-prepared by Hip Poly, a woman who was at one point considered queen of Amazon.

With a salsa bar at the end allowing the consumer to appeal to their tastes, and limited Scoville scale tolerance, this meal is surprisingly even better than what the regular concessions Staples Center has to offer. Each salsa was tested by Jason, leader of the Angelnauts. Jason was tasked with this by the council of Staples Center in order for him to win the hand of Medea, at the Pastry Concessions.

What should I say about the sweet tasting dessert that was spread before me? Bananas on the highest order were picked and sent directly to our fine center. The apples that were spread were picked by the American Hercules himself, as one of his twelve labors was to run them back on the Interstate numbered 10 and spread them out for the media, without a trace of trash or dust on them.

The churros were imported from the finest street vendors. Staples Center obtains the cinnamon that is sprinkled on the churros from the only the finest cinnamon importers. The hero A. Jacks, was summoned to prove his might by grinding each individual cinnamon stick until it was fine as the sands of Santa Monica.

So let Cowboys Stadium and Lucas Oil Stadium have their brand new facilities and giant screens. Let the Verizon Center keep its central locality to the rest of the DC area. I'll take Staples Center over all of them, with their great food options and their personnel service. Though honestly, it's all Greek to me.