clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

You could spend $495 on Lonzo Ball’s shoes. OR.

We’re looking out for your wallet

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

NCAA Basketball: NCAA Tournament-South Regional-Kentucky vs UCLA Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports


The new Lonzo Ball shoes are ridiculously cool.

They bang. I’ve heard that they’re somehow a “knock-off Kobe 9.” That they’re “dress shoes.” That they’re “a gross statement of hubris.” They’re not. They rule and I would like them to be on my feet this instant.


They cost $495. That’s absurd. You can get Yeezy’s for just a slight step up the price chain. You can get 4 pairs of LeBrons. You can get some Ultraboosts and have enough left over to buy yourself an nice dinner with a nicer wine pairing.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t buy these Lonzos. If I had the money, I would. I would probably regret it in about three weeks (just like I regret the DJ Khaled “Another One” slides I bought), but I’d buy them. What I am saying is that you can get some really cool mid-major stuff at that price point that are probably a better use of your money.

Go get Grand Canyon season tickets

Hey! Grand Canyon is officially Mid-Major Madness’s Bandwagon Team of 2018, so why not commit and get yourself season tickets! According to their official website, the top price point for season tickets tips the scales at $257 for the year. All of those seats seem to be sold out, but there are still plenty of seats available at $64.25 a pop, so why not get 7 seats for you and your 6 best friends and watch some WACtion?

Give $495 to your school’s bag man fund

May or may not be real. Your rival school definitely has one though.

This super dope Kelly Olynyk Jersey

Website seems mad sketchy, but you can pick up this nifty throwback Olynyk jersey for just $50! Plus you can get his jersey in black with the funky “Zags” script that is aggressively sweet.

A whole boatload of Adam Morrison basketball cards

WHOOOOOOOA CHECK THIS OUT! You can get all these Adam Morrison jersey/autograph cards from a person on EBay for the low low price of $179! Yes, that’s right, you can get your hands on a piece of history from the greatest player in Charlotte Bobcats and Gonzaga Bulldogs history. Incredible.

A signed Bill Russell San Francisco jersey

This one is actually objectively good. You can absolutely make a case for Bill Russell being the best mid-major basketball player of all time, and getting this piece of memorabilia is actually pretty damn sweet. I’d do it. You should do it too.

.0006% of the new UMBC Arena

According to my math, $495 is three five-thousandths of what UMBC’s new $85 million arena will cost. That should get you the naming rights to precisely one urinal cake. Congratulations!

An actual Greyhound!

Show off your Loyola fandom by buying a real life Greyhound, which supposedly costs right around $500. Then train that Greyhound to play football as a wideout and laugh at Air Bud for being completely outclassed by your dangerously fast dog.

Two of every appetizer at Jon Rothstein’s favorite restaurant, Campagnola

OR, you could just get one of every appetizer and then also pay Jon Rothstein the remaining $238 as a bribe to try and get him to come with you. Very doubtful that he would want to come though. Still, Jon, my offer stands, check your email.