Ben Goren: What’s going on, why are we doing this. This is a mid-major basketball blog, where am I?
Cam Newton: Calm down, Admiral Stockdale. (Is this politics?)
Ben: No one’s reading this, we’re gonna be OK. Anyway, t’s 9-3 Philadelphia early but the Patriots are marching. If you’re rooting for the Patriots, you are either the Feds, Bill Simmons, or you have money on the game. We’re one quarter in. Cam, what’s the bit here? Like why are we publishing this?
Cam: We are publishing this to drive traffic to the blog because we are good, content-creating boys. Plus, people need to know what I think about the new Jurassic Park movie, which is that it should not exist.
Ben: I don’t even care if they canceled movies.
Cam: Most people don’t know this, but movies were actually canceled halfway through the newest Pirates of the Caribbean movie, specifically where Paul McCartney makes a cameo. OH MY GOD FAILED HURDLE.
Ben: It’s not a failure if you end up teabagging someone in mid-air.
Cam: Ben, how many people do you know that enjoy the Dilly Dilly commercials?
Ben: None. We deserve this unique hellscape in which there is a fully fleshed out Dilly Dilly Universe. I hope that we get a full movie out of it (remember when we got a Geico Caveman show?). I think it super extra mega rocks that people think that it’s cool to unironically buy in to brand slogans and make them a part of their daily life. It’s normal to me. And also good as hell.
Cam: I am sitting in a room with at least two (2) people who audibly exclaimed noises of joy when the Dilly Dilly commercials came on. One of them said before that he enjoys Barstool media. He also is excited for the XFL. I believe he was the entire Bud Light “Dilly Dilly” focus group. Coincidence?
Ben: I have never seen This Is Us, nor do I have any desire to. What is the point of the show? Slow motion shots of people crying in a hospital? I don’t get it.
Cam: I’m just glad that a network show figured out that the formula to get Emmy nominations is taking every sappy Oscar Bait movie and drawing it out into a multi-year show. Oh an I guess people needed an excuse to lash out at Crockpots? Whatever.
Ben: HOW’S THAT TB12 METHOD LOOKING NOW, YOU OLD MAN?
Cam: THAT DROPPED CATCH WAS PETTYYYYYY (pretend there are some laughing emojis here a la #NBATwitter)
Ben: This game is bad, to me.
Cam: Actually, it’s good. The Patriots are down 15-3. This is the part where a stupid pedant reminds me of what happened last year, at which point I tell them to go home because my only sports knowledge is what to photoshop Rick Byrd into.
Ben: Here’s me, imitating an advertising exec.
it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that the celebs are at it again— wint (@dril) September 24, 2014
Cam: To that, I bid a hearty DILLY DILLY, and I say it in a—uhhhh, ad exec hands me a slip of paper of a celeb they think would be soooo out there and funny—Nathan Lane accent?
—————we moved to slack because Chorus was kicking us out of the chat———-—
Ben: [very 2018 new media company voice] IT’S A SLACK CHAT NOW
Cam: Honestly, I think Chorus was kicking us out to try and save the world from this post, folks. Chorus, ever the altruist.
Ben: Folks, the Patriots getting a good break they probably don’t deserve? What is this uhhhh Marquis de Lafayette joining the cause? Thank you, please like comment and subscribe for more videos like this one.
Cam: *flash forward to a Patriots press conference three months from now— “We, uhh, are pleased to announce Tadeusz Kościuszko as our new QBs coach.” —Belichick
Ben: HAHAHAHAHAHA IT’S A CAR COMMERCIAL WITH MARTIN LUTHER KING JUNIOR
THIS IS THE BEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN CAMERON
WHAT IF MARTIN LUTHER KING DROVE A DODGE RAM
Cam: Will Russ let us say shit?
Ben: sure. I’m still thinking about the MLK truck commercial periodically and laughing loudly, spilling beer onto my sweatpants.
Cam: To me, it is incredible that someone gave that a green light. I can’t wait for the impending Sherman-Williams commercial with an RFK “Ripple of Hope” narration.
Ben: YOOOOOOOOO CHRISTINA HENDRICKS IS BACK
IT’S JOAN, BUT SHE DOES CRIMES AND IS A SUBURBAN MOM
Cam: What’s a Mad Man
Ben: the wheel route is undefeated
Cam: Every Super Bowl does nothing but underwhelm me. I remember 2008, okay?
GET YOU A QB WHO CAN ACTUALLY CATCH
Ben: My expectation for the halftime show is that it will be fine.
Cam: Will I have time to run and get Ben & Jerry’s during halftime?
Ben: Brands™ won the Super Bowl. Let’s hear it one time for Brands™.
Cam: I’m just reminded of the inevitably of our reality becoming like the flash-forward in Parks & Rec where Verizon, Exxon, and Chipotle have merged and become one of the nation’s 7 companies.
Ben: Justin Timberlake slaps. NO more questions.
Cam: I miss the days when the Super Bowl played it safe and only had old men like The Who and the guys who sang “Ballroom Blitz” perform.
Ben: A hill I’m ready to die on is that Coldplay was actually a good halftime show.
Cam: Yeah because they weren’t 27 years past their prime when asked to play.
PRINCE OH MAN THE WHOLE CITY TURNED PURPLE ARE YOU SEEIN THIS?
Ben: I liked the halftime show. I now have to forfeit ownership of my Twitter account.
Cam: You are now owned. Which brand do you turn your account over to?
Ben: Dodge Trucks
Alright here’s a serious bit of analysis:
This whole thing tonight really highlights the completely bonkers reality that we’ve fallen into. Every ad is either about The Troops, or is about trying to tie a brand to a completely un-corporate entity (hello, Martin Luther King Jr). We’re then treated to a game in which a player got his brain bounced into his skull on a play that was deemed completely legal. The halftime show featured maybe the most milquetoast personality in pop culture, Justin Timberlake, but also tried to honor Prince in a way that Prince would’ve hated and now the show is going to get roasted to hell on every blog tomorrow morning. There’s no winning. The president sent out a memo telling everyone to stand for the anthem. There is no such thing as escapism in 2018, even in the most corporatified, sanitized day in the American media calendar. Time for the second half. I have money on the Patriots -4.5. Everything sucks.
Cam: May I interest you in the XFL, which does not even realize that there is no longer a niche for it in a society which has already adopted the entire worldview of that league?
Cam: Nothing better than a league that promises to end the wussification of the NFL by promising not only to not bench players whose helmets came off, but also make them play bareknuckle boxing in the locker room as rehab.
Ben and Cam, both exasperated with the spectacle that is the Super Bowl, decided to tap out and spend the rest of the evening watching Bill Carmody highlights.