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I’m really mad so I’m gonna rank the seasons (in Kampes) and not let you disagree

We should all be using Kampes to measure things

NCAA Basketball: Oakland at Syracuse Rich Barnes-USA TODAY Sports

I’m part of a Slack channel with a few other Good Blogger Boys and today the subject of ranking the seasons came up. To my horror, many in that channel have terrible opinions. Hours of debate ensued. We said some things we regret. It was an ugly scene. Mostly because I’m right, everyone else is wrong, and I refuse to believe otherwise.

Now you’re all going to hear about it because this is my blog and I make the rules.

So here we go. I’m ranking the seasons. And, uh, so it has a mid-major hook, I will be ranking the seasons in Kampes (the standard unit of measure that all rankings systems use). Do not ask about conversion rates. They do not exist. Behold and don’t @ me unless it’s to confirm that I’m right. Because I am.

1. Fall: 15 Kampes

Fall is the best season in a runaway. It has everything you could ever want. The weather is perfect — just cool enough that you need a sweatshirt or light jacket, but not so cold that a long walk is out of the question. The leaves change color and it’s really beautiful until you remember that you’re watching death unfold before your eyes. You don’t have to worry about the snow of winter, the hellish heat of summer, or the infuriating allergies of spring (ok, maybe your allergies act up in the fall, but mine don’t. That’s what matters). It all just feels right. Like, if we were to set the Earth to one standard temperature, it would be set to mid-October, 4 p.m.

Then there’s the sports. The MLB playoff chase heats up and culminates in a thrilling October. Basketball is just around the corner as Midnight Madness unfolds across the country and us nerds sit at our computer refreshing KenPom waiting for the preseason rankings. This is the time where Indiana fans have hope! (Ed. Note: Listen,,,)

Don’t like sports? Fine. You get two top-tier holidays in Halloween and Thanksgiving. Halloween is a built-in excuse to eat candy and Thanksgiving is a built-in excuse to eat literally everything. THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT FEAST WEEK!

I can’t say enough about the fall. Well done, weather Gods.

2. Spring: 7 Kampes

There are some serious drawbacks, but the spring has a ton going for it. Much like the fall, there is a sweet spot, temperature-wise — though it doesn’t last quite as long. There are a few days in between the freezing cold and brain-boiling heat where it’s actually nice to be outside. Unfortunately, those days are too often replaced with biblical rainstorms, April snowstorms, or inexplicable 90-degree May afternoons. But the effort is there, and when spring hits its sweet spot, it’s exceptional.

And much like the fall, the sports are great. In fact, spring sports might be even better. The beginning of baseball season beats the beginning of basketball season (more hope! Opening Day! Spring Training! Fantasy Drafts!), AND WE GET MARCH MADNESS. And the NBA Playoffs. And playoff hockey. And the horsies! We love the horsies!

The best part: NO FOOTBALL

But spring has one major strike against it: the constant urge to scratch your own eyes out and stuff them up your nose to keep the constant flow of snot at bay. Allergies suck. It makes going outside bad. It makes it hard to enjoy the four perfect weather days we get.

3. Winter: 3 Kampes

There is some good with winter, don’t get me wrong. Christmas is a blast. College basketball is the greatest thing in the history of the Earth. Every once in a while, it’ll snow so bad that you can’t leave your house/apartment and you use it as an excuse to day drink and watch movies. There are redeeming qualities to this season.

But once we get over how pretty the first snowfall of the year is, Winter is mostly a lesser-of-two-evils season. The cold sucks. Walking anywhere involves either slipping on ice or stepping in some weird sludge crap. By the second snow, it’s more of an inconvenience than anything. I could do without all of that. But ohhhhh boy does it beat the hell out of the summer. This is based around the philosophy that it’s much easier to warm up than it is to cool down.

4. Summer: 0 Kampes

Every redeeming quality about the summer has a corresponding drawback that undoes it completely. Day drinking at a baseball game is fun... but it’s 500 degrees and you want to die by the third inning (this is actually true for any outdoor activity). No school...but that doesn’t matter if you’re an adult. It stays light outside really late...but I smell like a foot by 11 a.m. anyway because I break a sweat walking across the street.

And this is endless. You don’t get the occasional unseasonable day like you do in the winter where you can walk outside without wanting to die. Summer is a three-month deluge of sweat, BO, air conditioner condensation drip, and mosquito bites. Lock me in the bracket bunker from June 1 to September 1 and leave me alone.