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OFFSEASON CONTENT GENERATOR: Mid-major basketball teams as menu items at that Asian restaurant with too many options

This is essential to your offseason

By Tristan Jung
San Francisco Asian Community Fears Rice Shortages Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

We’ve all been there. You’re at your local East/South Asian food restaurant and there’s too many menu options. There are hundreds of things to order. They are all conveniently numbered so you don’t need to butcher the pronunciation to your waiter, but that doesn’t help your rapidly increasing choice paralysis. You are running out of time.

In order to help you make your decision more quickly, we’ve given a mid-major basketball team to every single menu item you can possibly imagine at an Asian restaurant. Menu items are taken from Joy Yee Noodle (a Chicagoland thing), which is the finest purveyor of an overly long menu I have ever seen. You can look at the menu in all of its glory here.

Thus, if you are ever looking for something to eat, just search for your favorite mid-major team. If you don’t like that, look for another one! Now, I don’t think I managed to get every single mid-major on here, but there are a lot to choose from and many, many dishes.

APPETIZERS

Crab Rangoon - Montana

  1. Fried Shrimp Shumai - Southeastern Louisiana
  2. Japanese Beef Dumplings - Old Dominion
  3. Japanese Seaweed Salad - Florida Atlantic
  4. Korean Spicy Fried Vegetable Dumplings - Lafayette
  5. Lemongrass Chicken Wings - American
  6. Shrimp Tempura - UNC Greensboro
  7. Won tons - Wofford or Mercer
  8. Vietnamese Fried Egg Rolls - Coastal Carolina
  9. Vietnamese Spring Rolls - Manhattan
  10. Assorted Platter (or equivalent option) - Howard, UMass, Sam Houston, Wagner, Pacific, Ball State, Dayton
  11. Edamame - Richmond
  12. Pork Buns - VCU (solid and usually reliable)
  13. Other Buns - UCF, Wyoming, Indiana State, Utah State, Georgia Southern

SUSHI

If your Asian variety restaurant has sushi, feel free to order it on your own terms. I won’t mess with it. That means your team is Longwood.

SOUPS AND LETTUCE WRAPS

  1. Beef and Egg Drop Soup - Missouri State
  2. Wonton Soup - Evansville or La Salle
  3. Tom Yum Soup - Valpo (rank ‘em)
  4. Korean Spicy Tofu Soup (and assorted options) - UT Arlington
  5. Thai Lettuce Wrap - Radford
  6. Hot and Sour Soup - St. Bonaventure
  7. Miso Soup - Northern Iowa (bland, basic but reliable)
  8. Rice Balls - Towson
  9. Chicken Satay - Eastern Michigan
  10. Beef Satay - UIC

NOODLE SOUP

  1. Pho with Brisket - Rhode Island (a great soup deserves a great team)
  2. Pho with Chicken - Harvard (you, the intellectual)
  3. Pho with anything else - Utah Valley
  4. Combination Egg Noodle Soup - Central Michigan (it’s what you get when you combine all directional Michigans)
  5. Fish Ball Glass Noodle Soup (I have no idea what this is) - Texas A&M Corpus Christi
  6. Foochow Egg Noodle Soup - Northern Illinois
  7. Chicken and Seafood Noodle Soup - UNC Wilmington
  8. Saigon Combo Clear Noodle Soup - Wright State
  9. Thai Hot-sour Beef and Shrimp Noodle Soup - Savannah State (more words=more possessions)
  10. Udon (Beef) - Loyola Marymount
  11. Udon (Seafood) - Loyola Chicago
  12. Udon (Vegetable) - Loyola Maryland
  13. Udon (Crab) - Mount Saint Mary’s
  14. Udon (anything else) - Penn (Quakers love udon, just like how the Japanese have always loved peace [since 1946])
  15. Shredded Chicken Vermicelli Soup - Jackson State

VEGETABLES FOR DAYS

  1. Spicy Orange Tofu - Kent State (GOLDEN FLASHES ALLEZ)
  2. Chinese Broccoli in Garlic Sauce - Bradley
  3. Chinese Broccoli in Oyster Sauce - Drexel
  4. Japanese Tofu with Two (2) Mushrooms - VMI
  5. Szechuan Broccoli - Bryant
  6. Basil Tofu - SIU Edwardsville (don’t order stuff with basil from an Asian restaurant)
  7. Spicy Kung Pao Tofu - Hartford
  8. Mushroom Tofu - Southern
  9. Red Curry Mixed Vegetables - St. Joe’s

THE SEAFOOD SUBSET

  1. Basic Garlic Fish Fillet - Houston Baptist
  2. Basil Shrimp - Citadel
  3. Broccoli Fish - Florida A&M
  4. Broccoli Shrimp - San Francisco (the Dons just scream broccoli shrimp to me)
  5. Curry Seafood and Coconut Baked Fried Rice - Davidson
  6. Garlic Shrimp - UMKC
  7. Korean Scallops Stone Hot Plate - Marshall
  8. Kung Pao Fish - Louisiana Tech (a strong dish for a strong team)
  9. Kung Pao Shrimp - Louisiana (ditto, but less strong)
  10. Lemon Grass Shrimp - Louisiana Monroe
  11. Malaysian String Bean Shrimp - UC Irvine
  12. Malaysian Style Seafood - UC Santa Barbara
  13. Mussels in Satay Sauce - Central Connecticut (Is CT known for its mussels?)
  14. Mussels in Black Bean Sauce - Fairfield (I don’t think it is.)
  15. Purple Perilla Mussels - Stephen F. Austin
  16. Purple Perilla Seafood - Prairie View A&M University
  17. Seafood Combination in Satay Sauce - George Washington (what?)
  18. Shrimp in Lobster Sauce - Maine (Consider the lobster)
  19. Shrimp and Pork in Fish Sauce - Binghamton
  20. Shrimp String Bean - Grambling State
  21. Shrimp Tofu - Bucknell
  22. String Bean Salt Fish - Idaho State
  23. Thai Fried Calamari - Oral Roberts
  24. Walnut Shrimp - Presbyterian (don’t order this, guys)

THE STONE BOWL RICE CONFERENCE + BIBIMBAP

  1. Curry Soft Shell Crab Rice with Chicken - NJIT
  2. Korean Kimchi Beef Rice - Lipscomb
  3. Kimchi Seafood Rice - Florida Gulf Coast
  4. Pork and Shrimp Fried Egg Rice - North Florida
  5. Salted Fish, Ground Pork and Egg Rice - Jacksonville
  6. Scallop Meat Sauce Rice - Kennesaw State
  7. Seafood with Meat Sauce Rice - USC Upstate
  8. Traditional Beef Stone Bowl Rice - Stetson
  9. Bibimbap (with meat) - Murray State
  10. Bibimbap (veggies only) - Buffalo
  11. Bibimbap (with random ingredients) - New Mexico
  12. Bibimbap (with the Korean spicy paste like a proper connoisseur) - UNC-Asheville

THE FRIED RICE QUADRANT

  1. Fried Rice (including all beef, chicken, pork, vegetable options) - Rice
  2. Japanese Jumbo Shrimp Fried Rice - UC Davis
  3. Kimchi Seafood Fried Rice - Middle Tennessee (this is a FANTASTIC option...that sometimes falls flat when you need it)
  4. Korean Kimchi Beef Fried Rice - Iona
  5. Mango Chicken Fried Rice - Niagara
  6. Pineapple Chicken and Shrimp Fried Rice - Chattanooga (yellow-ish, and not for the faint of heart)
  7. Scallop and Shrimp Fried Rice - Hampton (because Pirates are scallops, right? Yarrr.)
  8. Sea Eel and Shrimp Fried Rice - Oakland
  9. Sea Eel and Chicken Fried Rice - Detroit
  10. Thai Basil Fried Rice (and assorted options) - LIU Brooklyn
  11. Thai Green Curry Fried Rice (and assorted options) - Marist
  12. Beef Teriyaki Baked Rice - Northern Arizona
  13. Malaysian Style Seafood with Baked Rice - Cal State Northridge
  14. Thai Spicy Shrimp with Baked Rice - Colgate
  15. Thai Spicy Basil Baked Rice - Cornell
  16. ANY OTHER FRIED RICE DISHES, USER CHOICE - Cal State Fullerton, Northeastern, Southern Illinois, Weber State

DISH MANIA

  1. Spicy Basil Chicken with Fried Egg - Alcorn State
  2. Spicy Basil Pork with Fried Egg - Pepperdine
  3. Beef Cubes in Tomato Sauce - The Most Italian School You Can Think Of
  4. Black Pepper Beef - Army
  5. General Tso’s Chicken - Gonzaga (You’re at a loss, but you’re also basic)
  6. Chicken with Broccoli - Princeton (Annoyingly obvious, yet still pretty good.)
  7. Beef with Broccoli - North Dakota State
  8. Baby Bok Choi - Furman (CRIMINALLY UNDERRATED)
  9. Orange Chicken - New Mexico State
  10. Sesame Chicken - Saint Mary’s (You are slightly more creative, but still basic.)
  11. Mango Chicken - Long Beach State (for the adventurous)
  12. Beef Stir Fry - Western Illinois (Come on, you can make this at home in 10 minutes.)
  13. Any other stir frys - Coppin State, Chicago State, Alabama State, Cal Poly
  14. Chicken Teriyaki Fried Egg - Boston University
  15. Fish Fillet Szchuan Bean Sauce - Brown
  16. Fish Fillet with Tofu - Eastern Illinois
  17. French Style Short Ribs - Duquesne
  18. Hainam Fried Chicken - Milwaukee
  19. Korean Beef - BYU
  20. Lemon Grass Fried Chicken Rice - St. Francis PA
  21. Lemon Grass Fried Chicken and Pork Chop - Lamar
  22. Lemon Grass Pork Chop - High Point
  23. Spicy Lemon Grass Beef Rice - Robert Morris
  24. Spicy Lemon Grass Shrimp - Youngstown State
  25. Mapo Tofu with Pork - Northern Kentucky
  26. Mushroom Fish Fillet over Rice - Mississippi Valley State (GO DELTA DEVILS)
  27. Pepper Steak with Black Bean Sauce - Navy
  28. Sea Eel and Chicken Teriyaki - South Dakota
  29. Shrimp and Pork in Fish Sauce - Fort Wayne
  30. Shrimp and Pork Chop - Nebraska Omaha
  31. Spicy Basil Chicken - Incarnate Word
  32. Spicy Lemon Grass Chicken - McNeese State (how is this different from Lemon grass chicken? No one knows.)
  33. Spicy Szechuan Beef - Austin Peay
  34. Szechuan String Bean - Utah State
  35. Tropical Curry Fish Fillet Rice - Hawaii
  36. Shrimp with BBQ Short Rib Rice - IUPUI
  37. Vietnamese Big Shrimp and Pork Rice - Green Bay
  38. LA Galbi - Boise State
  39. Korean Neungmyun (cold noodles) - Northwestern State (the team with the second-worst three-point shooting in the country)
  40. The Huge Fish With Sauce You Sometimes Get - Seattle

CHOW MEIN, CHOW FUN, AND OTHER EXCITING NOODLE FARE

  1. Beef Chow Fun - Western Kentucky
  2. Chicken Chow Fun - Rider
  3. Seafood Chow Fun - Belmont
  4. Shrimp Chow Fun - UNLV
  5. Beef Lo Mein - Wichita State (They may be in the American now, but by God if you need a solid, competitive dish, the Shockers are your pick. )
  6. Chicken Lo Mein - Nevada
  7. Combination Lo Mein - San Diego State
  8. Stir-fry Udon with Beef - Stony Brook
  9. Kimchi Stir Fry Noodles and Rice - George Mason
  10. Beef Chap Chae (Korean noodles) - Monmouth
  11. Vegetable Chap Chae - UAB
  12. Pad Thai with Chicken - Vermont (You hate it, but you gotta order it.)
  13. Tofu and Vegetable Pad Thai - UMBC (somebody is telling me that UMBC, as a 16-seed...you know the drill)
  14. Other Pad Thai Dishes - Albany, UMass Lowell and New Hampshire, orderer’s choice of add-ins
  15. Thai Curry Rice Noodles - Yale
  16. Thai Spicy Basil Chow Fun - Bowling Green

BUBBLE TEA AND ICE FREEZE SECTION

NOTE: If you get bubble tea, make sure to pick a mid-major with an actual meal. If your team is west of the Mississippi you must add tapioca no matter what. If they do not have freezes, select an equivalent menu item, soda of choice, or roll again. Always get boba.

Honey Dew Tapioca Crystal Jelly Freeze - James Madison
Jackfruit Tapioca Crystal Jelly Freeze - Akron
Kiwi Tapioca Crystal Jelly Freeze - Cornell
Lychee Tapioca Crystal Jelly Freeze - UC Riverside
Mango Tapioca Crystal Jelly Freeze - Portland
Peach Tapioca Crystal Jelly Freeze - Santa Clara
Pineapple Tapioca Crystal Jelly Freeze - Dartmouth
Strawberry Tapioca Crystal Jelly Freeze - San Diego
Avocado Milk Green Tea - Eastern Washington
Chocolate Bubble Tea - Idaho
Coconut Bubble Tea 咖啡奶茶 - Campbell
Coffee Bubble Tea 薑綠或紅奶茶 - William and Mary
Ginger Green Bubble Tea仙草奶茶 - Samford
Herbal Bubble Tea蜜瓜綠或紅綠奶茶 - Lehigh
Honey Dew Green Bubble Tea桂圓奶茶 - Sacramento State (honey dew is trash)
Lychee Milk Tea芒果綠或紅奶茶 - South Dakota State
Mango Bubble Tea - East Tennessee State
Basic Milk Green Bubble Tea - Charleston
Papaya Milk Tea Tapioca - Canisius
Peach Milk Green or Black Tea - Nicholls State
Red Bean Milk Tea - Miami Ohio
Red Bean Yuan Yang - UTSA
Rose Green or Black Milk Tea - Columbia
Strawberry Green or Black Milk Tea - Cal State Bakersfield
Taro Green or Black Milk Tea - Elon
Thai Milk Tea - UT Rio Grand Valley
Watermelon Milk Tea - Grand Canyon
Winter Melon Green - Fairleigh Dickinson
Vietnamese Ice Coffee - Gardner Webb

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