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OFFSEASON CONTENT GENERATOR: TIMES TO EAT LUNCH, RANKED.

Imagine being the person who eats their lunch before noon.

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The Monday Lunch. A brief respite from the doldrums of the return to the work week. In the hands of a powerful employee, the lunch hour can be a powerful tool. The right combination of right meal, right place, right time can profoundly change the workplace experience.

Some are too beholden by the iron bindings of tradition and take their lunch promptly at noon. What this article presupposes is: what if there were no such tradition?

Let’s reevaluate, reimagine, and disrupt the lunch space.

TOP TIER:

  • 2:30 PM

The 2:30 lunch is not for the faint of heart. It may require a cheeky trip to the snack closet at 11 to keep the machine lubricated. The risk of extreme hunger is high. But the payoff? The payoff is so worth it.

You return from your banh mi (you ordered a banh mi for lunch, you legend) at 3:30. No one is expecting you to do any work for the rest of the day. It’s 3:30 after all. You’ve broken the code. You can coast to the finish line. You’ve shrunk the work day. You’re a king.

GREAT TIER:

  • 2 PM
  • 12:30 PM
  • 1:30 PM

The 1:30 and 2 PM lunch spots are usually populated by those too weak of will to wait until 2:30. They can still glean some of the success of the Late Lunch Stratagem, but they have shortchanged themselves

This blog is, among other things, pragmatic. The 12:30 lunch is a standard. The body requires sustenance at around this time, but the 12:30 lunch is the thinking man’s noon lunch. Everyone knows this.

GOOD TIER:

  • 3 PM (and later)

This is merely hypothetical. No one has taken a lunch past 3 PM. It is the great unknown, the final frontier, and it’s waiting to be conquered. Will it be by you?

TRASH TIER:

  • Noon
  • 1 PM

Noon lunches are taken by people who have 2.5 kids, work at the business factory, eat only mayonnaise, and watch American Idol. They’re boring and beneath those who dare to envision a new world outside of the box.

The 1 PM lunch is the true folly, though. You’re taking your lunch on the downswing of your performance after the morning, and you’re going to close the day on another hungry downswing. It’s an embarrassing decision born of being afraid to make a firm stance.

ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING TIER:

  • Anything before noon

What are you doing with your life. What choices have brought you to this place. You disgust me. Get out of here, dude.