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Bill Walton calls random White Sox-Angels game, breaks the Internet

“I was born on third base.”

NCAA Basketball: Maui Invitational-Indiana vs UNLV Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

College basketball fans are simultaneously the luckiest and most unfortunate people in the world. On one hand: They have Bill Walton, the former UCLA All-American who takes a break from being the world’s tallest Grateful Dead groupie by broadcasting PAC-12 and Maui Invitational games.

On the other hand: They don’t get to experience over three hours of unfiltered Waltonisms during a meaningless game, which is precisely what happened Friday night during the series opener between the Los Angeles Angels and the Chicago White Sox.

Donning matching tye-dye shirts with play-by-play announcer Jason Benetti, Walton predicted White Sox catcher James McCann’s eighth-inning grand slam, correctly rattled off Graig Nettles’ tenure in the league (22 years) and was .003% away from correctly guessing his career fielding percentage — all while sprinkling in other musings about shapes and colors. Were there references to California points of interest? Did he start the sixth inning with three uninterrupted minutes of reciting Grateful Dead lyrics? Was there an anecdote about Gonzaga head coach Mark Few ending in the punchline “we are all security guards in the game of life?” You bet.

And somewhere along the line, the White Sox won 7-2.

While The Athletic’s Fabian Ardaya diligently documented all of the best Waltonisms throughout the night, what follows is a brief overview of the highlights, lowlights and everything in between from Walton’s foray into baseball.

Walton’s pre-game show set the tone for the game

Then he threw the notebook out the window, kicking off another one of his patented, free-form jazz odysseys

His trademark over-enthusiasm and zeal for life shone right away, as he yelped for routine plays

He then got into the nitty-gritty, even proposing radical changes such as allowing the fourth out of every inning to “roll over” to the next frame

In the fourth, Walton even believed Yolmer Sanchez deserved a contract extension after executing a successful safety squeeze

Sure, there were some hiccups along the way...

...but once Mike Trout and James McCann went yard, Walton was playing the hits

He even got to give a postgame interview

But perhaps the biggest surprise of the night was that it took six innings for Walton to reference Woodstock, which celebrated its 50th anniversary on Friday.

If we’re honest with ourselves, Walton should stop focusing on dull, 58-55 Arizona-Utah games and give color commentary to everything.