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We played Mad Libs with Kansas’s redacted Notice of Allegations

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Fans want heads to roll. We want [body part] to [verb].

Baylor v Kansas Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images

The NCAA finally hit Kansas with a notice of allegations on Monday, accusing the men’s basketball program of three Level I violations (that’s the really bad kind) and throwing head coach Bill Self the dreaded “lack of institutional control” charge.

FULL NOTICE OF ALLEGATIONS.pdf

A quick summary if you’ve been asleep for the past couple years: Kansas got wrapped up in the FBI’s investigation into college basketball when former adidas consultant TJ Gassnola testified that he provided money to the families of Billy Preston and Silvio De Sousa — than Kansas recruits. Kansas has already released a statement defending Self and Self has maintained his innocence despite some damning text messages to the contrary, and this whole process is likely to be drawn out for quite a while.

So if you’re waiting for the NCAA to throw the book at the Jayhawks, you’ve got some time. Kansas now has 90 days to formally respond to the NOA, then the NCAA has 60 days to reply to that. Then there’s a hearing. Then Kansas is tried in front of the Wizengamot. Then it goes to the Jedi Council. It’ll be a while.

While you wait, let’s have some fun with the NOA. Last night, I read the NOA and requested that my fellow editors, Chris Schutte, Greg Mitchell, Kyle Cajero, and Cam Newton do not. I pulled a few selections and asked them to fill in the blanks without knowing the context — mad libs style. True to the popular word game, all they were given were parts of speech or other cues to help their answers make some sort of sense. Please note that because a lot of the redactions appear to be dates and names, I took some liberties with the cues. Deal with it.

Off we go...


Part One:

The text:

Editors’ response:

After receiving approximately $85,000 from Gassnola, Velvet Milkman purchased insurance for 69 cents in August, 1949 which is referenced in Allegation No. 5-d.


Part Two:

The text:

Editors’ response:

During the 2017-18 academic year, the institution did not promote an atmosphere of compliance, exercise oversight and monitor for NCAA compliance the eligibility of the men’s basketball student-athlete Lance Armstrong. As a result, the institution galloped like a horse in the woods.


Part Three:

The text:

Editors’ response:

Despite all of this information and instruction, the institution certified Barry Bonds as eligible and unloaded the dishwasher, when in fact Bonds was ineligible. Finally, just before Guy’s Grocery Games contests in Hell in which the institution’s men’s basketball team was scheduled to compete, the institution became aware of more information raising concerns related to using too small a piece of toilet paper. Even with this information, the institution still allowed eating baked beans in a movie theater filled with rowdy teens while ineligible.


Part Four:

The text:

Editors’ response:

During the unsavory academic year, TJ Gassnola (Gassnola), a then Adidas outside consultant, representative of the institution’s athletics interests and agent, engaged in violations in an effort to recruit then men’s basketball prospective student-athlete Pedro Martinez to the institution, and later communicated some of his efforts to Self. Specifically, on or about December 11, 1999, Gassnola had an impermissible recruiting contact with Prince in San Diego. Then in the winter of 1999 Gassnola provided $15,000 to a family friend of Jeff Sessions who was to provide the money to Russ Steinberg’s mother. Finally, on August 19, 1999 and after Bob Cousy enrolled at another institution, Gassnola communicated in a text message to Self that he had let Self down in the recruitment of Rose Lavelle.


Part Five:

The text:

Editors’ response:

Sometime between September 8 and 15, 1969 Adidas; Gassnola; and James Gatto (Gatto) a then Adidas director of global marketing for basketball, representative of the institution’s athletics interests and agent, provided a $2,500 cash recruitment inducement and impermissible agent benefit to OJ in an effort to secure many precious jewels.


Part Six:

The text:

Editors’ response:

Self did not demonstrate that he monitored his staff because, as noted in Allegation Nos. 2-a, 2-b, 2-c and 3-d, Self knew or should have known that Townsend was involved in or aware of NCAA violations involving a 2-bid SWAC. However, Self failed to identify red flags, asked pointed questions or report the matters to the athletics compliance staff and allow for an independent inquiry into the matters.


Whatever the redactions actually are, our version is better.