There are three stages in which you’re currently existing in this Hellscape we currently inhabit:
- Working or being educated from home
- Still working but in constant fear at work and at home
- Out of work or school and in constant fear of the world beyond
Let me try to wrap my internet arms around you and tell you it’s going to be OK by answering questions that people asked me on twitter. To be completely transparent: I asked people to ask me questions. These weren’t unprompted. I’m sorry if that ruins this for you.
How many aussies should one family have in their house?— Steven Branscombe (@SteveBranscombe) March 17, 2020
One Australian Shepherd is manageable. Solid. They’re aloof, intelligent, but have a pretty high drive for fun and adventure. Without the proper amount of exercise they’ll start forming weird habits like hiding under furniture, or dragging blankets around the house to form a giant pile of blankets, or digging holes, or learning how to open doors and let riff-raff in. They do this because they hate you and want a companion.
Two Aussies is nice because they’ll play with one another. They’ll frolick and jump and play bite and have a great time. They’ll expend a great deal of energy doing this, thus negating any opportunity for nonsense and bad habits.
Three Aussies is insane. That’s when the plotting begins. Because they’re highly intelligent they’ll be able to communicate how to replicate the day-to-day lives of humans, plot your demise, and then take over your life without any of your friends or family noticing.
Four+ Aussies and you’re just asking to become the low-end of the totem pole in your family. The dogs will run the household, forcing you to perform ‘roll-over,’ ‘sit,’ and ‘stay.’ They’ll destroy your life from the inside out. They’ll also adopt more Aussies without your knowledge. If you get four Aussies, expect to end up with 10+ by the end of the week, 25+ by the end of the month, and 75+ by the end of the year. Good luck.
Do you want to get drunk with me— arndtjc (@arndtjc) March 17, 2020
hierarchy of fast food:— Big Billy (@BigBillyBlueJay) March 17, 2020
Curry In A Hurry
Why did my wife leave me— Sam Newberry (@snewby22) March 17, 2020
There are a lot of reasons. We’ve talked about a lot of these reasons at length, but since you asked knowing that I’d answer on a public forum, here it goes:
- You tried to ask out her mom on a date during the rehearsal dinner
- You tried to ask out her dad on a date after getting shot down by her mom during the rehearsal dinner
- You keyed her car on accident thinking it was your neighbor’s car
- You let her go through your notes app on your phone in which she found multiple documents stating, “I hate my wife.”
- You didn’t tell her that you were taking a solo vacation to Naples
- You drained the joint bank account for new rims on your 1994 Kia Sephia and then drove it into a ravine three days later
- You stopped talking to her for a week because you (wrongly) thought she was seeing a psychic that you wrote a bad Yelp review for
- You tried to fight her dad at what you thought was his intervention when it was actually his retirement party, screaming at and pushing him when he refused to listen to the letter you hastily wrote in the bathroom just moments before
- When you asked her to leave you
I hope this brings clarity.
I've got time to kill these evenings. Can you name two books I should read or two series I should watch.— Michael McGoodtweets (@michaelkmcneil) March 18, 2020
Gold Fame Citrus by Claire Vaye Watkins.
The Sellout by Paul Beatty
Pistol: The Life of Pete Maravich by Mark Kriegel
Power Ball by Rob Neyer (especially after the Astros scandal)
Great question! I have no idea. You’ll have to ask her. It’s probably because I’m troubled and broken and she believes she can fix me.
I don’t know how to splice videos together and there’s not a lot of video data to draw from, but I’ll see what I can do.
On a scale of 1 to “oh boy!” how excited are you to die soon?— (@mjdemarinis) March 18, 2020
I think our collective mortality has been at the forefront of our minds lately and it’s hard not to succumb to depression because of it. Worry and fear of an ongoing pandemic is a natural reaction; the general fear of the unknown and something that can effect our parents and grandparents a lot more than us is frightening. It’s hard to find peace in this tumultuous world, especially as our colleagues, friends, and family members get laid off because their businesses can’t afford to keep them employed during the crisis. I’m lucky to have a job that won’t disappear during this; so I’m doing all I can to make sure that those who have cared for me in the past are given at least a little bit of what I can offer. That is what’s most important during this whole thing. Not the loss of what we entertained ourselves with to break up monotony, but real life loss that those around us are currently facing.
With that being said, OH BOY!