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Santa Claus: A basketball scouting report on the man from the North Pole

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Could jolly old St. Nick be the greatest undiscovered basketball player ever? We found a scouting report that says yes!

Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

You never can tell what you are going to find when you send in a FOIA request. We recently were doing some general research on recruiting and found the strangest email in the the pile of data that we got back.

We don't think that the school intended to include this, since it was stuck with some red and white sticky substance to one of the other pages in the packet, but when we called to ask about it, they said they had no idea what we were talking about.

Anyway, here is the note in its entirety:

Coach-

Geez, if you thought that trip to North Dakota last season was bad, you wouldn't believe how cold it is up here. It was definitely worth the trip though. They have a player up here that would be a real interesting fit for us. There are a couple of caveats though, which might change your mind, but I can't tell you how great this guy was, and what an amazing person he was.

Nicklaus Claus, Forward, Ulukhaktok High School

Strengths:

  • Speed - You wouldn't believe how fast Nick is. One minute he is standing under the opponent's basket, and the next he is all the way down at the other end. He will be a ton faster than all of the forwards, and probably the guards. It is like he is magical!
  • Hands - Speaking of fast, you should see what he can do when he has the ball. He dribbles so fast that other players are just mesmerized standing watching him. Think of all those Harlem Globetrotters videos, but better. His passing is perfect, almost like he directs everything with a sixth sense. I swear coach, you have to see this.
  • Leaping - Don't worry about us getting beat on the boards any longer. Nick can jump! He does this weird thing where he puts his finger on the side of his nose and then it is like he could jump over the Empire State building. High-flying dunks were the norm with him, he grabbed every rebound within five feet of him. You would not believe it!

Development Needs:

  • Weight - OK, so this is a little weird coach, but this guy has to weigh 300 pounds. I know, hard to believe he could have all these strengths when he weighs that much, but he does. His coach told me that he has this weird thing where he hits a dozen cookies during pregame, and really lives off the sugar rush. Plus when he does take a break on the bench, he is constantly eating candy canes! It doesn't seem to slow him down any, but still maybe a concern.
  • December - This is a little odd too, but Nick takes the entire month of December off. Apparently he has this side job where December is the busy season. Maybe we might be able to entice him to not do it if we take those tournament trips to Hawaii and Atlantis that we have been discussing. The good news is that we would have him back right after Christmas, and in time for conference season to begin.
  • Glitter - I am not sure where it comes from, but Nick is just constantly covered in glitter.

Intangibles:

  • Personality - There is just something about this kid, coach. All the fans really take to him, especially the young ones. It could do with the fact that he always seems to have some little toy to hand out to them after the games. But even the adults are so enchanted with him. He just has this aura. I can see him getting named captain as a freshman for sure.
  • The beard - It is really hard to believe this kid is still in high school. He has a beard that would put James Harden to shame, AND IT IS STARK WHITE! You know our student section would really be into this, and I can just imagine the new Twitter handle @nicksbeard that would take off like Ed Daniel's hair did a couple of years ago.
  • Red - This might be the deal breaker coach, as I am not sure about how the administration would feel about adding red to our school colors. The kid just loves to wear red, insists on it even. Maybe we could get it as a subtle accent color? I know this seems like a stretch, but for this kid it might be worth it.

Once the season is over coach, you have to take a trip up here to meet Nick. He said he sticks around up here even in the summer because he has this reindeer farm that needs tending to. I just can't believe we haven't seen him on recruiting lists before. This guy is a steal for us and would make us a big winner in conference.

Sounds like a top 100 player to me.

Have a safe and Merry Christmas from everyone at Mid-Major Madness.